by Mat Ronald Paguirigan
I FAILED. Before and I kept crying because the flashback was intense and bitter. I can remember nothing but my failures.
I’ve been to 3 different law schools, i was kicked out from the first, shunned from the second and liberated by the third. Criminal Law 1 was my first failure, but it didnt stop there. I went on a streak, one subject after the other. I wanted to get mad because all my failures kept reminding me that i wasn’t brilliant, that i was a mess. I cringe everytime i wait for my grades, i didn’t know how to tell my parents that i failed at crim, labor, land titles, tax, etc.
The first time i failed the Bar Exam, i felt alone. I wanted to commit suicide, i felt useless. I didn’t want to talk to people because i didn’t want them to console me. It’s bullshit hearing the phrase “its ok”, “maybe next time”. No words will ever console someone who failed at something he worked so hard for. Unless you failed the Bar Exam, you don’t fucking tell me that you know how i feel. Don’t compare my Bar Exam to your petty little failures in college, just don’t. From frustrated i went bitter then angry. I was really angry at everything. I had to move on, so i did, or at least that was what i made myself believe.
I failed my second. I felt ashamed of myself, of everything. I asked God, why me?, i did everything i could and yet again i failed. I can no longer talk to my friends, it’s perfectly natural, they are lawyers and i’m not. They are successful and i’m a big failure. At this point i cannot get myself to remember how hard i hit rock bottom. Some people kept on insisting that i meet them, talk to them and they didn’t get it. I didn’t want to be arround others, i wanted to be left alone.
Yearly as results are posted still the pain remains, different percentages of passing rate are released and kept telling myself I should have taken the bar exam. But fear and anxiety prevails.
Dean Riano talked to me and asked me if i was going to fight, to continue…. i immediately said yes, pucha, i have nothing to lose, literally because i had nothing. The most nostalgic part was walking inside UST for the second time, remembering nothing but my pain, my failures. Aaah the pain, hahaha have you ever been told that we experience pain so that we can be stronger, a better version of who we are and a bunch of other bullcrap ending with world peace. Guess what, sometimes we experience pain to remind us that we are alive. Alive because we need to continue, alive because we need to fight. Just fight. God will not take you this far only to leave you. God has plans for you so continue. Fight!
To my friends, my fraternal broads and sis Iiyak mo yan, sabi ng kaibigan ko entitled ka na umiyak. Magbasag ka ng gamit kung trip mo. Ung gamit mo, wag gamit ng iba. Sumigaw ka! Mag lasing! Do what you have to do to take the edge off. Tapos pag medyo bawas na ung sakit, pikit mo mata mo. Kausapin mo si Lord, sya lang kasi makakaintindi ng sakit. Iyak mo ulit. Ramdam na ramdam ko ung sakit. Then dust yourself off. Stand up and as we always hear during recit….. proceed! Find your legal basis.
About the Author
Mat Ronald Paguirigan is presently employed with the Local Government of Ilagan City, Isabela.